Week Three

Okay, I'm going to be honest. I didn't even weigh myself today because I don't want to know. I did really well all week and was on track to (I think) lose about a pound and a half or two pounds. Then we decided to go as a family to Bodega Bay on Saturday and I had clam chowder and fish and chips for lunch and that was it. For some reason it clicked something bad in my brain. The rest of Friday and all day Saturday and Sunday I was off the wagon and eating pretty much whatever I want and I didn't go to the gym on Thursday. I really don't want to know what my weight did because of my weekend of indulgance- I know it didn't go down!

I really need to re-focus and get back on track. I'm just feeling a little bit depressed and hopeless because I look at myself in the mirror and I hate what I see and I want to be thinner so bad and I feel like it's just not going to happen. I'm scared that I won't be able to have the discipline to stick to my diet and exercise and that I won't lose the weight. That depresses me because I really, really don't want to stay looking the way that I do!

I think part of the frustration is that I feel like if I even eat one extra thing, that I gain weight. I feel like I should be able to eat normal food in small portions and maintain or lose weight. I used only half of my FlexPoints at the end of last week and it made me gain back a pound- even though most of the week I didn't even use up my minimum daily allotment of points! That tells me that I have to restrict my calories to about 20-25 points a week and that I cannot ever use any of my FlexPoints or my weight loss halts for a few days. That is kind of frustrating to have to be so restrictive! It makes me wonder how I'm going to maintain my weight if I have to restrict my calories so much. I wonder how I'm going to maintain eating such small portions of (fat free!) food permanently to maintain my weight. It just doesn't seem right to me!

The other thing that kind of made me feel...ugghhh... about my little fit club thing is that after working out four days straight my body was exhausted and when I tried to do a home exercise video on Friday I literally couldn't lift my leg for even the warmup! I felt so tired and sore and my body needed a break to recoup from all the working out. But then the gym is closed on the weekend so it's three days straight of no workouts and that also contributes to the Friday-Sunday slump in my diet every week. Working out so much and dieting makes me feel really tired and weak and I thought it would make me feel energized and strong. It just doesn't seem right. I feel like I must be doing something wrong.

I don't know, I guess I'm just venting. I need to just get back to doing what I was doing and plug away. I still have 15 pounds to lose so I might as well get used to not eating. sigh...